They Called Me Big Boobies

My husband is what we old-time southerners would say – a “real card.” That means he does weird stuff like sticking balloons down his shirt and hamming it up for the camera. It is his way of trying to make me laugh.

It’s also his best imitation of me.

All my life I’ve had this problem, y’all. Yes, I’m afflicted with  big ole boobies.

I don’t really know how I got them either. In weird twist of fate, my mother is decidedly flat. She can wear an A cup, only if she adds a few Kleenex. She once bought a ball gown that cost a small fortune. When I asked her why in the world she spent that much on a dress, when she could have bought a used Volkswagon instead, she replied as if it should be blatantly obvious.

“Because it makes me look like I have boobs!”

Having boobs becomes real important when you don’t have any. On the other hand, when you’re overly blessed with them, like I am, you will spend inordinate amounts of money to keep them from being the first thing everyone notices when you enter the room.

It all started when I was about nine. I started to develop a little jiggle in my blouse, so my mother decided it was time to take me to Belk’s to buy my first training bra. The sales lady took me by the hand and led me back into the dressing room, where she ordered me to take off me shirt.  While I was about to faint with embarrassment, she measured me. To all the other customers that where on the Ladie’s Fine Garments floor that day, and to my mother’s size 34-almost-A-cupped horror, the sales lady announced, “She’s too big for a training bra. She needs a 36-C.”

It was hell at the next door neighbor’s swimming pool. While all the other ten year old girls were splashing around in little string-tied pink,  strawberry shortcake themed suits, I was an Ester Williams look-alike in a white, matronly two-piece number, complete with a built-in shelf bra. When I jumped off the diving board, the boys would all stop and stare, hoping something would fall out all give then the thrill of their lives.

From then on, I was always called “The Girl With The Big Boobs” or simply, “Big Boobies.”

It’s not a great feeling. In addition to having men openly stare at my chest, I get the “look” from other women a lot. You know the one: “Look at her with those big titties! She thinks she’s really hot/ a slut/ able to get my man.”

Ladies, trust me. I do not feel like I’m hot and I’m not trying to seduce your man. The truth is, I’m too busy obsessively worrying about what I look like. At the beach I try to make sure I’m lying flat on my back before I take my shirt off becuase “the girls” look flatter if they’re falling off to each side. I have spent a fortune through the years on minimizing bras, sports bras, strapless bras, one-piece shapers, seamless bras, full-figure bras, uplifting bras, soft cup bras, sleeping bras and tee-shirt bras.

I’ve tried every bra that’s on Oprah’s Favorite List. It sounds real exotic, but the The Goddess Bra did not make me feel like a goddess, y’all.

And here’s the thing: years of being self-conscious have caused my shoulders to curve inward, in an attempt to make the boobies disappear, or at least look smaller than a breadbox. Years of wearing full-figured bras with large straps have made permanent dents in my shoulders. My poor posture has led to chronic neck and shoulder pain. Menopause has made me sick and tired of waking up in the middle of the night (or day, since I work shift work) and having the pain in my shoulders keep me awake.

A casual conversation with my female doctor a few months ago was a real eye-opener for me. It took a lot of courage for me to bring up the subject of breast reduction. Even at age 53, I am still wary of discussing the size of my breasts with other women. I’m afraid they will say I’m exaggerating  or tell me how blessed I am to have them.

My doctor, bless her heart, did neither. She glanced down at my file and asked, “What size bra do you wear?”

Oh dear, there it was. Big Boobie Shame. I cringed as I mumbled, “A 36-G.”

She looked at my chest area. She said, “Really? You hide it well.”

“I’m wearing the most expensive minimizer on the market,” I explained. “So do you think a breast reduction would help with my neck pain?”

“Honey,” she said, kindly, “Not only is it going to help you, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I think it will transform your whole life.”

To Be Continued…

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11 thoughts on “They Called Me Big Boobies

  1. while I don’t have quite your problem, I do, to some extent know how you feel. It’s always been an issue for me as well. It’s hard to find shirts that work and it’s always a pain. Kudos.

  2. Have you tried an ENELL Bra? They have wide shoulder straps that don’t dig in, a posture panel in the back for extra support, and are designed specifically for larger breasted or well-endowed women. They offer 2 styles a sports bra for high impact and a “lite” bra for all day wear at: http://www.onesweetone.com they offer free shipping. You might try this option first.

    • I have tried the Enell sport’s bra. It was one of Oprah’s favorites. In fact, it was all I wore for about a year. But it was hot, and I had the dreaded “uni-boob!” I’ll look into the “lite” version. Didn’t know about that. Thanks!

  3. You know, boobs are overrated. Until I lost a lot of weight, I carted around DD’s and that was a lot for my frame.
    There definitely can be “too much of a good thing”.
    Good luck. I came over from Half Past Kissin Time. I love the name of your blog!

  4. I am in your mom’s boat, a card carrying member of the itty bitty titty club. Except for thinking if I had bigger boobs my stomach would look flatter I’m good with it.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog post today.

    • Mrs. Tuna, (I hope that’s not your real name!) I’m also worried that if I get the boobs reduced, my stomach will stick out further. Oh well, one problem at a time!

  5. Not to be insensitive, but I thought I had big boobs! My heart goes out to you. You’re about so much more than your breasts, but shallow people forget that there’s a person behind them. I’m happy for you, that you’ll be getting relief. Please keep us posted 🙂

    • Thank you so much. I have a bunch of hoops to dance through, but I’m hoping to be able to blog about the experience sometime this year.

  6. Pingback: The Perfect Day | When Ginger snaps…..

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